Archive for March 13th, 2009

March 13, 2009

Headline of the Day

Will Everyone Named McCain
Please Leave the Republican Party!

Well, don’t you just wish, a$$hole? (And hey, Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Bob Barr!)

I started this blog and named it with the specific idea of distinguishing myself from the short, old, bald, grumpy geezer who — exactly as I said from the get-go — (a) was not conservative and (b) could not win in November.

This is clear proof that Crazy Cousin John’s RINO ways have imparted a stain to the family honor — and let’s don’t even talk about Meghan and “stain” in the same sentence, OK? A long-serving U.S. Senator and war hero has now become more of a disgrace to our name than me, perhaps the most notorious right-wing journalist in America.

I long worried that all the moonshine runners, snuff-dippers and bar brawlers in the Alabama branch of our family tree might feel I had failed to uphold our ancestral honor by working in the disgraceful racket that “journalism” has now become. Yet the two-faced, backstabbing, open-borders, bailout-endorsing crapweasel, Crazy Cousin John, has brought such odium upon our name that no one even pays attention to me.

Rush Limbaugh won’t even mention my American Spectator articles on his radio show, because the very name “McCain” has become an epithet among conservatives. If it weren’t for The One Thing Crazy Cousin John Did Right, I could never forgive him for the shame and embarrassment he has cause me.

And I should mention, BTW, that this Fox Forum article was sent to me by Atlanta’s lovely Carol Purdy Fields, whom I had a crush on in third grade, fourth grade, fifth grade . . .

March 13, 2009

‘Mamas, Don’t Let Your Daughters Grow Up to Be Downloads’

Some very helpful advice for mothers and daughters from John Hawkins, telling the “sad, sad story” of Jesse Logan, who committed suicide at 18, after her high-school (ex-)boyfriend humiliated her by making public the nude photos of herself she had sent him.

Keep in mind that Hawkins is no prude. Every day, his Conservative Grapevine aggregrator features not only a selection of political news and commentary, but also a couple of links to cheesecake photos of lovely starlets in bikinis. This was the subject of a debate among conservative bloggers in which I framed the question, “Is Babe-Blogging a Sin?”

My conclusion was that it is not, and the joys of babe-blogging were enshrined as the popular Rule 5 of “How to Get a Million Hits on Your Blog.” However, if you disagree, please don’t click over to John’s site. (BTW, John, you’ve got a broken link on the Denise Richards bikini pics at CelebSlam.) Having been an artist since youth, my aesthetic enjoyment of beauty has at times been a snare and a stumbling block to me.

There is a line between flirty and trashy, between alluring and indecent. At times, I’m not very good at figuring out where that line is, but am deeply thankful that digital media didn’t exist in 1978, when I was 18 and — believe it or not — even less responsible than I am now.

(Thanks to Frequent Commenter Smitty, from whom I outrageously stole this one.)

March 13, 2009

‘Unfortunately . . .’

“. . . the whole employment situation is really cramping my blogging style.”

Go Galt! Just rattle the tip jar. Grateful blog readers give generously so I can not only afford to blog for myself, but can also support my beautiful wife and six wonderful children. Not to mention paying blood money to Frequent Commenter Smitty and hiring distinguished online correspondents like Brooks Rossington Frumdreher III (The Republican Who Really, Really Matters) and our new round-up guestblogger, Dr. Freaking S. Goodblog, Ph.D.

If you’re a part-time blogger who is weighed down with the burdens of Working For The Man, wondering why you can’t be a famous successful blogdaddy, ask yourself these questions:

Or . . .

A Jedi must study the Force to grow strong, my young Padwan. I am your father, Luke. And hit the freaking tip jar. People pay me good money for this kind of advice, and you never know where that first ‘Lanche will come from, do ya? Well, do ya, punk?

March 13, 2009

Hawkie! Old boy!

Guest post by Brooks Rossington Frumdreher III

Damn swell to see you again, fellow! Do you know . . .? Well, yes, of course, you and Kathleen are old friends, aren’t you? How silly of me to forget! Kat, remember when you told me how you, Hawkie and Coddy met at the Newport Junior League Regata Cotillion? . . . Yes, now, you be a darling and go get us a couple of gin and tonics, Kat, while I catch up with your old flame, the Burgemeister. . . .

Splendid soiree they’ve thrown for you here, Hawkie. Sorry Kat and I couldn’t make it earlier. Fashionably late and all that. Let the riff-raff arrivistes clear out first, she said. Is that nice young Collins fellow here? He invited us. . . .

Well, actually, one of Kat’s assistants saw it on that Facebook thing and told her about it and . . . Andy! Andy Rosenthal! Yes, yes, that’s right. . . . No, no hard feelings at all, Andy. I appreciate your letting me know. That nasty man I hired to shovel our walk at the pied-a-terre must have let himself into the house and gotten onto the computer my major domo uses, and . . . .

Oh, absolutely, Andy! Fired him on the spot! Let him and those snotty-faced urchins of his go starve in the street. He’ll be causing no more trouble for you and our friend David, I assure you. . . .

But congratulations on the new hire, Andy. A Harvard man! Of course, you know, my people have always been Yale, but I understand your new lad grew up in New Haven, so it isn’t as if he were some sort of barbarian rabble. . . . Yes, well, someone told me he is a regular whiz with research. Used to spend hours and hours on the intertubes at the Crimson office, they say. . . . Same thing when he was at the Topsider, I hear. The boy was always on the computer researching all the time, Coddy tells me. Not so much for the writing, but lots of research. Coddy said they had to buy a new computer for him because he filled his up with so much research. . . .

Oh, of course, Andy, pal! Muffy and I would love to have you down at the club. Any day you like, just let me . . . Tuesday? Oh, Tuesday’s bad for me, but give me a call and we’ll try to set it up, OK? Well, Hawkie and I have some catching up to do Andy, so if you’ll excuse us . . . Right. Wednesday might be better, but call, OK? . . .

Ah. . . . Yes, Andy’s fine, but . . . so pushy, those people, aren’t they? Like I was telling young Collins the other day, I said, “Dan, if you think this blogging business is what you want to do, I understand. All the young people are doing it, but must you work for that Steingold fellow?” . . .

Meghan! So glad you could make it! Saw that piece you did for Tina, darling. Excellent! That Coulter woman is just so tacky, isn’t she? . . . Oops, careful there, you’ve spilled your drink! Fetch a boy to clean it up, Meg. Run along now, and if you see Kat while you’re at the bar, please tell her to hurry back with my gin and tonic. . . .

Too bad for little Meg, Hawkie. She’s drunk again, and the luncheon’s just started. John and Cin have had such a time with her, you know. . . . Yes, right. . . .

Well, I’m glad to hear you are doing well with the innertubes thing, Hawkie, and I’d love to invest in your little project but . . . Honestly? We’ve been hit hard by this thing, Hawkie. Really bad. I’ve even had to let go some of the help at the pied-a-terre. As a matter of fact, that’s why I rode up here with Kat, because we had to let go our weekend chauffeur, and Muffy couldn’t make it, so Kat offered to drive. . . .

What? Oh, Muffy! Yes, yes, I was about to tell you why Muffy couldn’t make it. Trust me, I know she’d love to see the old Hawkster, but we were heavily invested in Citibank and GE and AIG, and . . . Muffy’s taking it hard. Taking it real hard. Especially when I said we’d have to cut loose the pool boy, Matt. You should have seen the tears well up, Hawkie. It almost broke my heart to see it . . .

Muffy’s always been so patriotic and this pool boy of ours, he used to be a Marine. So after Muffy met him at the Republican Ladies Youth Outreach Conference in Santa Barbara, she insisted that we hire this Matt fellow as our pool boy. And he’s certainly kept busy with that job. Muffy says he’s really good at working the deep end . . .

What, Hawkie? . . . Yes, that’s him, Sanchez, Matt Sanchez — did Muffy tell you? . . . Ah, coincidence, I suppose. But now the market’s so bad we finally had to let Matt go, and Muffy insisted that she tell it to him in person. She said, “These Puerto Ricans are so emotional, Brooksie! Matt might take it hard.” And I said, “Well, Muffy, sugar-dumpling, I know it’s going to be hard on him,” and she said, “You can say that again.”

So Muffy’s back at the pied-a-terre today, handling the business with Matt. He’s got other contracts to service, so he’ll be OK, I hope. And he’s got another one of his Puerto Rican friends who’s volunteered to help Muffy with the pool. Nice young fellow, and a Republican, too. Very convenient for us, because when I told Muffy we’d have to let Matt go, she insisted we must have another Puerto Rican to replace him. Only a Puerto Rican would do, because Muffy told me, “Brooksie, once you’ve had Puerto Rican, you never go back!” . . .

Kat! About time you brought me that gin and tonic, girl! Did Megan find you? . . . Ugh! Did she, really? Did any of the vomit get on you? . . .

Never mind, Kat, I was just telling Hawkie about Matt and Muffy . . . Yes, Kat, very good with the deep end, that’s exactly what I was telling old Burge here. See, Hawksie, young Matt’s been cleaning Kat’s pool, too. . . .

UPDATE (RSM): Thanks to Mr. Frumdreher for his contribution. (Young Dan says: “Really, the chap’s incorrigible!“) Some of you young people may not know it, but Mr. Frumdreher — “Brooksie,” as he is known to his small circle of influential friends — has long been a mentor to The Republicans Who Really, Really Matter:

  • In 1951, Mr. Frumdreher catapulted to fame as a recent Yale grad with his book, Things Are Just Swell in New Haven, Thank You, a carefully reasoned rejoinder to a disrespectful screed by an impudent new-money Catholic arriviste. This earned Brooksie the “Young Alumni of the Year” award from his alma mater. The faculty, who had voted him Most Promising Senior in the Class of ’51, appreciated Mr. Frumdreher’s advocacy of a modern curriculum emphasizing Freudian psychology, abstract-impressionist art, anthropology, jazz criticism, and other “relevant” topics, as opposed to tedious drillwork in obsolete so-called “classics.”
  • In 1952, Brooksie led the “Stop Taft” Committee, gallantly fighting to ensure that notorious right-winger Bob Taft did not get the Republican presidential nomination.
  • In 1953, he published an op-ed column in the Washington Evening Star, “Really, Who Is This McCarthy Fellow, Anyway?” This column was widely credited with bolstering GOP opposition to irresponsible Red-baiting smearmongers.
  • From 1954-60, Mr. Frumdreher served as ambassador plenipotentiary to the Organization of American States, where he sought to promote international harmony by undermining Latin American support for the brutal Batista regime in Cuba. . . .

Those are just a few of the early milestones in Brooksie’s legendary career, as he has striven tirelessly to ensure that only well-bred and sophisticated intellectuals who went to The Right Schools excercise influence in the Grand Old Party.

Among The Republicans Who Really, Really Matter whom Mr. Frumdreher mentored during his recent Young Centrist Leadership Conference is a young cyberspace activist rapidly gaining prominence on the Internet with his blog, Moderates for Mitt (motto: “We Can Go Either Way On That Issue“).

March 13, 2009

Meghan McCain in ‘Friday 13th. . . .’

“. . . Part XVIII: STFU, Ditzy Bimbo From Hell!”

.msnbcLinks {font-size:11px; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #999; margin-top: 5px; background: transparent; text-align: center; width: 391px;} .msnbcLinks a {text-decoration:none !important; border-bottom: 1px dotted #999 !important; font-weight:normal !important; height: 13px;} .msnbcLinks a:link, .msnbcLinks a:visited {color: #5799db !important;} .msnbcLinks a:hover, .msnbcLinks a:active {color:#CC0000 !important;}

March 13, 2009

‘Increasingly significant doubts’

(BUMPED; UPDATES BELOW) Doug Schoen and Scott Rasmussen in the Wall Street Journal:

It is simply wrong for commentators to continue to focus on President Barack Obama’s high levels of popularity, and to conclude that these are indicative of high levels of public confidence in the work of his administration. Indeed, a detailed look at recent survey data shows that the opposite is most likely true. The American people are coming to express increasingly significant doubts about his initiatives, and most likely support a different agenda and different policies from those that the Obama administration has advanced. . . .
Mr. Obama has lost virtually all of his Republican support and a good part of his Independent support, and the trend is decidedly negative.

Read the whole thing. And remember: It Won’t Work. Did I mention that yet another Obama appointee at the Treasury Department has pulled out? Or that Americans have lost 18% of their net worth?

Liberals should just relax. Keep bashing Rush Limbaugh. Focus on important issues like gays in the military and pandering to union bosses. Don’t let the vaunted Right-Wing Noise Machine deceive you. Obama still has the support of The Republicans Who Really Matter: David Brooks, Meghan McCain, Arlen Specter, David Frum, Kathleen Parker, Olympia Snowe . . . uh, I’m sure I can think of some more. Just give me a minute.

UPDATE: Carin in the comments suggests adding Andrew Sullivan to my list of The Republicans Who Really Matter, but Sully’s an immigrant and I’m a xenophobic nativist, so . . .

UPDATE II: Lots of The Republicans Who Don’t Really Matter are now commenting on this poll, as well as on Obama’s new it’s-not-really-that-bad flip-flop.

UPDATE III: Why do I always get wisenheimers in the comment fields? Thirteen28 wants me to count “Mr. The-Grassroots-Needs-Elites-Like-Me” among The Republicans Who Really Matter. Having sworn a Lenten vow, I can’t punk-smack the kid again until Easter, although my Catholic friends tell me that one is released from such vows on Sunday. Since my family is Seventh-Day Adventist, that means I’ll be gritting my teeth until sundown Saturday (7:17 p.m. EDT, to be exact), at which time I can offer further hearty congratulations to Ross for his recognition as a Republican Who Really Matters.

BTW, am I correct in guessing that “Thirteen28” is an allusion to the Treaty of Edinburgh in 1328 A.D., whereby Edward III recognized the independence of Scotland? (Blogger Jeopardy!)

UPDATE IV: Young Dan Collins is a Republican Who Doesn’t Really Matter. Splendid fellow, young Dan. Organized the big shindig for old Hawkie, you know. I’m busy blogging (no time for “research” today), but I understand one of The Republicans Who Really Really Matter is on his way to the luncheon soiree for the old Burgemeister. Frequent Commenter Smitty — of the Alexandria Smiths, you know — says the sharpest, most innovative heterodox thinker of his generation, Brooks Rossington Frumdreher III is supposed to file a report soon. Assuming he’s not already too heavy into the gin and tonics . . .

UPDATE V: Commenter Carin at Is This Blog On? gets linked by Kate at Small Dead Animals, a Rule 2 that qualifies them both as Republicans Who Don’t Really Matter.

March 13, 2009

Just Exactly What You Wanted

by Smitty

It really is too easy to heap abuse upon Obama voters. And momma told me not to pick on females of the opposite sex. But really, Megan:

Having defended Obama’s candidacy largely on his economic team, I’m having serious buyer’s remorse.

I’ll post a video URL here. It’s SFW, although rather on the crunchy side. Listen to Page Hamilton preach it:

I’m not so good realizing
Who I can or cannot trust
It’s best to keep what matters vague
With harmless lies I can adjust …
I let you down again
What’s another harmless lie between friends?
Now you can be disappointed
I thought I gave you just exactly what you wanted

March 13, 2009

They Say 49 Out of 50 Liberals Don’t Understand Statistics

by DJ Smitty (1 ea.)
That is the startling conclusion of the Political Castaway Blog.
PCB picks up the thread on a CNN “Report: 1 in 50 U.S. Children Face Homelessness.” Homelessness isn’t a joke, but you might not say the same of the methodology in use.
Apparently, some people are much more happy with math as a qualitative thing. The idea that it should be, you know, quantitative, just hurts their feelings to much.

Now, what good is a DJ if he doesn’t drop some ear candy?
You are free to substitute “Liberal” for “Lover” in the following:

March 13, 2009

Dr. Freaking S. Goodblog’s Happy Hour of Hot Sweet Pink Rule 2 Linky-Love

Greetings, dear reader. Important business has summoned the Illustrious Mentor away for the evening, so he has provided me, Dr. Freaking S. Goodblog, Ph.D.*, with his login and password, and told me to give you the tasty goodness of thick, hot links. If the man has been been riding your tight linkage, let’s see if we can’t make your tiny little SiteMeter t-t-tingle with traffic. Get ready for your Rule 2, Sugar Hips, ’cause here it comes:

All right, there’s the first round on the house, folks. It’s half-price on house brands until 9, cold draft Schlitz is 50 cents, wine $1 and, of course, it’s always Rule 5 Ladies Night at the Blog Where the Hotties Drink for Free (I’ve been drinking since lunch, so you all look like hotties to me).

Once you’ve hit all those links, check the Rule 3 at Memeorandum. And please, everybody link up, send the URLs to your DJ Smitty, and we’ll update to be sure you get the FMJRA just the way you like it — and you’ll like it any way we want to give it to you, Private Cowboy! Don’t forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses!

Rock on, chilluns!

Dr. Freaking S

* (Ph.D. = Pretty hot Dude.)