Archive for March 16th, 2009

March 16, 2009

Fisk me harder, you savage beast!

My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business… and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered — ‘You know, I’m on the pill…’ “

(Cynthia Yockey informs me that Lenten vows don’t forbid mere quotations. Andy recoils in reflexive gynophobia. And make sure you have plenty of brain bleach handy before you confront Dan Collins and the Mental Imagery From Hell.)

March 16, 2009

Everybody Was Blog-Fu Fighting

(Or: Parable of the Doubting Padwan of Fu.)

“It was hard for me to believe that you were entirely serious about that socialist question,” said Barack Obama, quoted by Clever S. Logan, who also quotes Adam Smith as she returns to the blogosphere today. She took a 5-day hiatus after her first Instalanche, meditating and seeking God’s judgment whether her blog-fu was altogether righteous, and now comes back with the basic economics of Caveman Craigslist.

Monique Stuart, meanwhile, has been slamming the Old School blog-fu like whiskey shots at a Reason magazine open bar. She got her first Red State-o-Lanche yesterday, and is getting lots of good Rule 2 from American Power. I keep reminding her that Jammie Wearing Fool blogged six months before he got his first Instalanche. Be patient, young padwan. Grow strong in the Force. Righteous let your blog-fu be, and righteous your reward shall be.

Recently, I have been impressed with the fine blogging at Pundit & Pundette, whence the Rule 2’s are coming frequently enough that I’m beginning to suspect that Pundette may be harboring a blog-crush. It’s OK, Pundette; my unrequited admiration for Dr. Helen is a notorious scandal around the ‘sphere. But your blog-fu is also righteous, and you may be just days — even mere hours — from the Promised ‘Lancheland. And tell Mr. Pundette not to be so suspicious; just because you’re trying to make him jealous doesn’t mean there’s actually anything to worry about. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Now, the good husband’s trick of acting like he’s All That in order to make his wife unjustly suspicious is practiced to perfection by The Original Alabama Poonhound, Stephen Gordon of Liberty Papers. The ‘Hound is a lot like me: If you ever meet his wife, you know the secret of his success. The other day I called him to talk about plans for the Alabama Tea Party, and Gordo was painting the porch, part of his honey-do list. The ‘Hound also has the righteous blog-fu, having gotten both the Instalanche and the Malkinlanche (and every other ‘Lanche worth having) for his “Going Galt” roundup.

Life is like a box of chocolates, says Cynthia Yockey, whom I still owe an apology. Yet acting on the principle of turning the other cheek and praying for them who persecute you, Miss Yockey continues to minister in mercy, helping me keep my Lenten vow. (I am defiantly Protestant, and the Catholic friend who talked me into this idiotic stunt is chuckling with evil papist schadenfreude at the multitude of my ironic sufferings.) Sister Cynthia is numbered among the ‘Lanche-worthy, and with porn-worthy rackage dealeth she the mighty blog-fu: WOLVERINES!

Jimmie Bise Jr. of Sundries Shack is working on his blog-fu black belt, and is also a man who appreciates fine art and culture. He salutes Ron Silver, a man whose film-fu was legend. Blessings, Jimmie. Go forth and blog thou.

Dan Riehl has been dealing ‘fu since Old School was new, and his fierce independence produces a meaningful engagement with Professor Douglas.

Speaking of Old School, there are ancient masters who whisper reverently of the lost art known as Moe Fu. Let the newbie initiates study the ways of sensei Master Moe Lane. How do you think he does it? What makes his ‘fu so good?

To be Old School in New Media, the acolyte needs to heed the Neologian of the Blogosphere, whose study of the New Word has made him also ‘Lancheworthy. And one there is, of the Tribe of Troglodytes, who yet shall be uplifted in the ‘fu, for he hath seen with his own eye the reward of Rule 2. Ed of Blue Hat and Stephen the Green link ye therefore also, as must too Fausta, David and Michael be linked.

Now, as any member of the High Learned Council of Righteous Fu-Meisters could tell you — if they weren’t sworn to a sacred oath of secrecy — there is a Hunnish wench named Attila, also known as She Who Must Be Linked. This Hun girl, endowed with massive blog-fu, is something like the household goddess of the Ninja ‘Sphere Temple Cult, whom the reverent newbies ritualistically link before going into combat in quest of the ‘Lanche. If your SiteMeter is sagging, my young padwans, always ask yourself, “Have I linked Little Miss Attila lately?”

Be sure, ye Acolytes of ‘Fu, that the wise and learned masters check their SiteMeters and Technoratis, to see whence cometh their traffic. Acolytes must observe and emulate the masters. Michelle Malkin and Insty are not blind; Allah and Ace and Rusty and Jeff observe with Argus-eyed vigilance the young padwans, seeking out the promising practicioners of ‘fu. The Rule 3 is the All-Seeing Algorithm of ‘Fu. And the Grapevine and Erick the Red watcheth also.

“All these things have we done,” answered the padwans. “Yet still our SiteMeters surge not. What more shall we do to acquire the righteous ‘fu?” Therefore answered he them . . .

“Have you hit the tip jar lately?” said he, and they were sore astonished at his teaching. For the ways of ‘fu are righteous, and ye have been told that a curse rests upon those ungrateful wretches who read the blogs without tipping, always taking and never giving. How much more then shall be accursed ye ungrateful Acolytes of ‘Fu who, having been given the Rules by grace, hit not the tip jar? Dost thou not know that there are a wife and six children who depend for their daily bread upon the ‘Fu? Yea even there are creditors and utilities companies and a 2004 KIA Optima to be considered. Verily soon cometh also the day when all must render unto Caesar.

Then one among them said, “But master, I hit the tip jar, and have given ye many Rule 2s. How then is my ‘fu yet unrighteous?” Answered he: “Hast thou not friends and family? And hast thou asked them also to hit the tip jar? Hast thou cast forth -emails to seek for tip-jar hitters, that the ‘fu may go forth to teach all who blog in righteousness?”

Tears of repentance and joy streamed forth from the eyes of The Doubting Padwan, who hit the tip jar in full measure, and went forth to proclaim the word: “It’s For the Children! All UR Links R Belong to Us!”

And all the congregation said, “Amen!”

March 16, 2009

Obama’s new tactic

Be John McCain:

The administration’s reaction to any new economic news thus far seems to come from a list of four options:

  • 1) Panic.
  • 2) Spend a few hundred billion dollars.
  • 3) Blame Rush Limbaugh.
  • 4) Blame George Bush.

Go read every righteous word of it, and be sure to hit Jimmie’s tip jar, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

March 16, 2009

Post-Iowahawk Day blues

I’ve been feeling kind of depressed the past couple of days, and couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized that it’s like after Christmas. I’m experiencing the inevitable letdown after weeks of anticipation for National Iowahawk Day.

Obviously, I’ll need to get plenty of bed rest and nutrition to recover my good cheer. Maybe I can call in sick and hire guestblogger Brooks Rossington Frumdreher III to fill in for a bit.

Hit the tip jar. Mr. Frumdreher may be a worthless RINO sellout, but he doesn’t sell out cheap.

March 16, 2009

Left declares victory in Culture War

Frank Rich suggests that the bad economy means the GOP will never again be able to gain traction with cultural conservatism. My rejoinder at AmSpecBlog:

Rich is certainly correct that, with Citibank trading for less than the cost of an ATM fee, the primary “value” voters are interested in now is the value of their 401Ks.
If there is any encouragement for traditionalists it is this: Just as there is little public appetite for conservative alarums over cultural issues, neither is there any appetite for liberal alarums. If the Obama administration makes a point of pushing liberal social policies, a backlash is possible, recession or no recession.

Please go read the whole thing. And hit the tip jar, because it’s almost Tuesday again.

March 16, 2009

Belated Homage

by Smitty

Slightly tardy in catching up on the Google Reader, I missed the Fighting Freddy post until very late on 15Mar. Disclosure: I was a classmate of the post author in a Naval War College class.
The referenced action occurred 15 March 1967. Pray destiny never put me in such a position as Army First Lieutenant Ruppert Sargent, but, if that be destiny, may I acquit myself as bravely.

For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. While leading a platoon of Company B, 1st Lt. Sargent was investigating a reported Viet Cong meeting house and weapons cache. A tunnel entrance which 1st Lt. Sargent observed was booby trapped. He tried to destroy the booby trap and blow the cover from the tunnel using hand grenades, but this attempt was not successful. He and his demolition man moved in to destroy the booby trap and cover which flushed a Viet Cong soldier from the tunnel, who was immediately killed by the nearby platoon sergeant. 1st Lt. Sargent, the platoon sergeant, and a forward observer moved toward the tunnel entrance. As they approached, another Viet Cong emerged and threw 2 hand grenades that landed in the midst of the group. 1st Lt. Sargent fired 3 shots at the enemy then turned and unhesitatingly threw himself over the 2 grenades. He was mortally wounded, and his 2 companions were lightly wounded when the grenades exploded. By his courageous and selfless act of exceptional heroism, he saved the lives of the platoon sergeant and forward observer and prevented the injury or death of several other nearby comrades. 1st Lt. Sargent’s actions were in keeping with the highest traditions of the military services and reflect great credit upon himself and the U.S. Army.

Request all readers spam me into oblivion with such stories. What should conservatives conserve? Among other things, timeless values of service to the country and Constitution.

March 16, 2009

‘McCain’s right, of course . . .’

“. . . and the Brookses and Meghan McCains of the party might as well join up with the Democrats, for if we adopt the ‘moderate’ programs these folks are pushing, we might as well have a one-party Democratic state.”
Donald Douglas, on “Core Values Conservatism,” agreeing with me and Charles Murray (I think)

Professor Douglas is taking issue with Ross Douthat’s critique of Murray’s Thursday lecture at the American Enterprise Institute (yet another event to which I was not invited).

Not being a member of the intellectual leisure class — hit the tip jar, people — I have no time for fucking around with the fine points on this one, nor is there any need for that. We need not agree on the ideal size of government in order to agree on three major points:

  • Government is too big. It’s too expensive, too powerful, and too meddlesome. Even if we could get this much government at half the price, it’s still more government than is good for us.
  • Bush and Republicans were wrong to expand government. No Child Left Behind and Medicare Part D were giant steps in the wrong direction which, by blurring partisan distinctions, made it more difficult for the GOP to present itself as the party of limited government.
  • Democrats want government to be even bigger. Government can never be too big, too expensive, too wasteful or too intrusive to satisfy The Evil Coalition of Liars and Fools.

You need not agree with Grover Norquist on the desireability of shrinking the federal government until it’s small enough to drown in the bathtub. With government as big as it is now and rapidly growing much bigger, the current situation creates a clear line of demarcation. You are either a small-government conservative or you are not a conservative, period.

Murray, Douthat and the Professor are welcome to engage in a three-way intellectual Jello-wrestling match over the fine points of philosophy or policy on all this. As politics, however, the choice is clear: The Republican Party can either (a) try to reclaim its limited-government credibility by going all-in against Obama’s neo-Keynesian economic plan, or (b) employ the approach favored by The Republicans Who Really Matter by nitpicking the small change.

My hunch is that (b) is a one-way non-stop ticket to Republican irrelevance. Jennifer Rubin is right: The opposition party must oppose. This is that 4 a.m. call, and if my answer lacks nuance and sophistication, it at least has the merit of simplicity: WOLVERINES!

UPDATE: Not directly related, but one of The Republicans Who Really Matters weighs in:

Drive-by pundits . . . are non-journalists who have been demonizing the media for the past 20 years or so and who blame the current news crisis on bias.

Fuck you, Kathleen Parker. I started out in the news business making $4.50 an hour in 1986, and I’ll take no lectures from the overprivileged likes of you. What journalism has become is a disgrace, and the unwillingness of people in the news business to say “fuck you” to useless idiots like you is one of the reasons why. (H/T: Tim Graham.)

UPDATE II: Kevin Williamson weighs in with a more thorough fisking of Parker’s column, as opposed to my outraged punk-smacking. The outrage is that someone who has for so long been a mere opinion columnist — as opposed to working in the actual news end of the operation — should be lecturing anyone about what’s wrong with the news business.

“Newspaper columnist” used to be a gig that you had to work a long time in the news business to get. The late, great Lewis Grizzard, for example, started out as a brilliant young sports reporter, and nonetheless was past 30 — and had already served as executive sports editor of the Chicago Tribune — before he became a columnist for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution in 1977.

Then in the 1980s and ’90s, as cable news and USA Today started encroaching on the turf of the metropolitan dailies, there was this big push for “diversity” and “youth,” the chief result of which was a lot of Clever Girl Columnists wasting newsprint. (Hello, Rheta Grimsley Johnson! Hello, Maureen Dowd!)

Kathleen Parker was one of the better Clever Girl Columnists who got the affirmative-action leg up in that manner. But she succumbed to the Elite Media Syndrome of thinking that working in the news business makes you somehow superior to the guy who drops 50 cents in the newsbox, and her insufferable elitism is an apt metaphor for what went wrong with the business.

It’s still possible to make a profit on a newspaper, but to do it, you’ve got to have a small staff of people who work their butts off. You’ve got to have do-everything staffers, rather than having specialists who won’t lift a finger to help outside their job description. And one of the luxuries that profitable newspapers can no longer afford is the overpaid op-ed columnist who never gets her shoes dirty.

Good-bye to bad rubbish.

March 16, 2009

11-Year-Old Girl Self-Porn

More proof that insanity is the new normal:

A Kentucky man is accused of persuading an 11-year-old Humble (Ky.) girl to send him nude photos of herself while the pair played video games online.
Anthony Scott O’Shea, 24, of Somerset, Ky., has been charged with promotion of child pornography, online solicitation of a minor and sexual performance of a child. He will soon be transferred to Houston, said Sgt. Gary Spurger of the Harris County Precinct 4 Constable’s Office. The girl sent the man photos over the course of several weeks as they played games online with their PlayStation 3 consoles in December, Spurger said.

Maybe the New York Times’ new porn expert needs to research this angle.

The news tip was sent to me by Frequent Commenter Smitty, just after I saw a Twitter from John Hawkins seeking evidence that “insanity is the new normal.” I told Hawkins to remember to quote Hunter S. Thompson: “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” And then I noticed that Smitty had reminded me of a Saturday post, “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Downloads,” which referenced Hawkins’ post on an 18-year-old girl who committed suicide after her ex-boyfriend made public the nude photos she had sent him.

So this is obviously the evidence Hawkins was looking for.

UPDATE: More evidence from Texas:

KELLER — A Keller man has been jailed on child pornography charges.
Federal agents say they found illegal material at Bryan Dickson’s home on Wednesday. The convicted sex offender told agents he had been viewing it online since 2006.
In 1988, Dickson was convicted in New Jersey of sexual assault of a child. But his name did not appear on any list of registered sex offenders.
Ever since he moved into his Keller home a year ago, neighbors say they had their suspicions about him. “We just kind of stayed away,” said one.
Their fears were confirmed on Wednesday when federal agents arrested the 46-year-old for child pornography. . . .
But what really angers parents is the 1988 child sex assault conviction in New Jersey. Yet the Keller man was not listed in the New Jersey or Texas sex offender registries.
That infuriates neighbors who had tried checking up on him. “When you talked to him, you got bad vibes,” one neighbor said. “We thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to check; didn’t find anything; just thought we were being overly paranoid.”
In Texas, sex offenders who served their time before 1997 aren’t required to register, which may explain why Dickson lived next to a high school and was able to get jobs at family-friendly places like the Dallas Zoo and Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine.

Reassuring, isn’t it?