Dunk ’em again!

The New York Times expects outrage:

C.I.A. interrogators used waterboarding, the near-drowning technique that top Obama administration officials have described as illegal torture, 266 times on two key prisoners from Al Qaeda, far more than had been previously reported.
The C.I.A. officers used waterboarding at least 83 times in August 2002 against Abu Zubaydah . . .
The 2005 memo also says that the C.I.A. used waterboarding 183 times in March 2003 against Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the self-described planner of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

Look, we hanged Saddam Hussein and sent the 101st Airborne to kill Saddam’s sons, Uday and Qusay. What is “waterboarding” compared to violent death?

Who could possibly give a crap about the “rights” of terrorist scumbags like Abu Zubaydah and Khalid Shaikh Mohammed? Their “rights” would not have been infringed if they had gotten a 9mm slug through their skulls the day they were captured. Excuse me for not being surprised that, having mercifully allowed Abu and Khalid to continue breathing, the CIA doesn’t treat these vermin like guests for Sunday dinner.

If I were president — and remember, this is merely a hypothetical — the CIA would have taken Abu and Khalid to the Texas State Fair, where they would have been strapped tightly to a telephone poll. Tickets would be sold at $20 each for one whack at ’em with an aluminum baseball bat.

Everybody would get their turn, one whack at a time, until there was nothing left of Abu and Khalid except a bloody stain. The $20 per ticket is a nominal fee. The real money would be in the pay-per-view royalties. But remember: This is merely a hypothetical.

UPDATE: Welcome, Andrew Sullivan readers. Please read my reply, in the comments below, to Tim Burns’s insufficient appreciation for hypothetical discourse. There is a special place reserved in Hell for people who treat any statement by me beginning, “If I were president . . .” as if it were a policy prescription.

The hypothetical was meant to contrast (a) the tender-hearted concern for the “rights” of terrorists manifested by the New York Times with (b) the manner of treatment that Abu and Khalid could expect from attendees of the Texas State Fair.

Perhaps I could better illustrate the purpose of a hypothetical by beginning a sentence, “If I was hung like a porn star . . .” Oh, wait.

UPDATE II: Linked by Mike at Cold Fury, Jimmie at Sundries Shack, James Joyner at Outside the Beltway, and by Stephen Gordon at the Liberty Papers. Gordo also links Bob Barr, but neglects to mention that Barr used to work for the CIA. (Coincidence? I don’t think so!)

Speaking of hypotheticals, if Bob Barr were a major-league babe magnet . . . Oh, wait.

Note to Mrs. Barr: Bob was perfectly innocent. This photo was my idea, and my suggestion of raising money for the Georgia Libertarian Party by having an impromptu “Skinny Dipping With Bob” fundraiser was entirely hypothetical.

UPDATE III: Moe Lane at Red State:

The American people don’t really want to reach any sort of understanding of terrorists (“Why do they hate us?”); they just want them dead, or wishing that they were . . .

In the numerous comments below, I’ve been lectured by “progressives” who seem convinced that I am an inhuman thug who doesn’t understand the concept of “rights.” I’ve also been lectured about the inauthenticity of my speaking on behalf of truck drivers. Both of my brothers are truck drivers and I assure you that my modest (hypothetical) proposal for Abu and Khalid is extremely merciful compared to anything my brothers would propose.

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