President Jonas Brothers meets the editors of his fan-club newsletter, and we’re liveblogging the screaming orgasmic thrill of the White House press conference . . .

12: 31 p.m. ET: He wants to address three issues . . .

12:32 p.m.: “Threats and beatings” — he’s talking about the Teamsters?

12:33 p.m.: “This is about the people of Iran . . .” Oh.

12:34 p.m.: Wow. No Teleprompter today.

12:35 p.m.: Iran must govern through “respect, not coercion.” But just wait until they pass Card Check.

12:36 p.m.: “Clean energy,” the kind that lobbyists and campaign contributors endorse!

12:37 p.m.: Health care — “We will not add to our deficits,” as opposed to everything else Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke have been doing for the past five months.

12:38 p.m.: “Reform is not an option, it’s a necessity” — hmmm. What happened to “respect, not coercion”?

12:39 p.m.: Iranian nukes. Softball.

12:40 p.m.: “An extraordinary debate now taking place in Iran . . . ” Yeah, blood in the streets is “extraordinary debate.” Except maybe in Chicago and Tehran.

12:41 p.m.: He calls on HuffPo!

12:42 p.m.: “We can’t say definitively what happened” when Ahmadinejad stole the election.

12:44 p.m.: “What we can do is to say unequivocally” that we’re not going to lift a finger to stop the brutal undemocratic crackdown in Tehran.

12:45 p.m.: “I’m not going to make news about Ben Bernanke . . .” because I understand that all these anonymous “administration officials” badmouthing Bernanke in the media are actually Tim Geithner trying to cover his skinny ass.

12:46 p.m.: “There’s got to be somebody who’s responsible . . . monitoring the systemic risks,” unlike Neil Barofsky, who’s getting stonewalled by Geithner.

12:47 p.m.: “Systemic risk. Yeah. Systemic risk. Rain man.”

12:48 p.m.: He’s talking AIG now.

12:49 p.m.: Major Garrett throws a 90 mph fastball at Obama’s left ear: “What took you so long?” Obama name-checks “Major,” just to signal to the MSNBC viewers that this is an evil necon question.

12:51 p.m.: More health care questions. Yawn. It’s DOA, because Geithner tanked the economy, and now we can no more afford it than Suderman can afford to marry McArdle.

12:53 p.m.: “Tinkering around the edges . . .” No, by God, we’re going to eviscerate the free-market!

12:54 p.m.: Notice that there’s no concern about “systemic risk” in nationalizing 1/7th of the American economy. . . .

12:55 p.m.: “I get two, three letters a day.” Right. You want to see my e-mail inbox, O?

12:56 p.m.: “Discipline health insurance companies” — with a ball gag and nipple clips.

12:57 p.m.: “Quality care for a reasonable price” — This is where Obama’s resemblance to the Allstate ad guy comes in so handy.

12:58 p.m.: “Legitimate debates” about health care. Let’s just hope it’s not an “extraordinary debate.”

12:59 p.m.: Another Iran question. Everybody laughs at Obama’s joke.

1:00 p.m.: Smitty’s on the phone! “Hey, I’m liveblogging . . .” Smitty says “Dude ain’t packin’ the gear.”

1:04 p.m.: Obama makes an ear joke.

1:05 p.m.: More health care. The Allstate guy sees a “legitimate concern,” but one he plans to ignore.

1:06 p.m.: “You can’t preclude people from getting health insurance because of a pre-existing condition.” Right. Like voting in Chicago, where death is not a “pre-existing condition” that disqualifies Democrats from casting a ballot.

1:07 p.m.: “Guarantee you . . . what’s going to happen is . . .” The Prophet has spoken!

1:08 p.m.: Asked about his smoking habit! Cool. Or, uh, Kool.

1:10 p.m.: This is the one thing I like best about Obama. He’s a nicotine fiend. Maybe after Geithner goes to prison, Obama can send him a carton of Newports every month . . .

1:12 p.m.: “The relationship that we have with Chile . . .” I did not have relations with that Latin American nation!

1:14 p.m.: I’m waiting for him to encourage “extraordinary debate” in Chile.

1:15 p.m.: A gay reporter asks about unemployment and the need for a second stimulus. . . . Obama talks about his inability to predict the future. As opposed to his ability to predict health care, “systemic risks,” etc. Nothing worse than watching an Ivy League law-school graduate talking economics.

1:16 p.m.: “We know for a fact . . .” Whenever a Democrat starts a sentence that way, look for a lie.

1:18 p.m.: “The American people have the right to feel this is a tough time.” Feelings, woh woh woh feelings . . .

1:19 p.m.: “I get letters every day . . .” And I’m in e-mail correspondence with the former oil minister of Nigeria.

1:21 p.m.: African-American unemployment question. Nothing worse than watching an Ivy League law-school graduate talking statistics.

1:22 p.m.: “We want to find tools . . .” Hey, the WH press corps is full of tools!

1:24 p.m.: Somebody tries to interrupt El Presidente!

1:25 p.m.: “We have to believe that ultimately justice will prevail.” This is actually a coded message: Hey, Geithner, get ready for the orange jumpsuit!

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