Satan, Attorney at Law

Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne . . .
Luke 11:46 (KJV)

Yesterday, I was required to spend more than an hour on the phone in order to get automobile insurance. Who is to blame for this harrowing nightmare? Lawyers.

Begin with “mandatory no-fault insurance” — by state law, you must be insured before you can get a license. Damn lawyers.

Why mandatory insurance? Because the roads are full of illiterate submorons who can’t drive. Why? Because it would be discriminatory to require 10th-grade literacy and/or a 80 IQ to be licensed. Driving has become a right, so that stupid people who can’t read “merge” or comprehend the meaning of “yield” must be granted licenses, imperiling the lives and fortunes of us all.

Damn lawyers.

Adding insult to personal injury, as it were, the tort-bar vultures run TV ads — illiterate submorons watch lots of TV, y’know — encouraging everybody who has ever been in an accident to sue the bejeebers out somebody.

Damn lawyers.

All legislation is written by lawyers, for the exclusive benefit of lawyers. The paperwork must be approved by lawyers. The various disclaimers and questionaires and the valuable time wasted in complying with all this bureaucratic nonsense . . .

Damn lawyers.

How do you become a lawyer? By being the kind of goody-two-shoes apple-polishing teacher’s pet who excels at homework, who complies happily with all the rules, who accumulates a perfect-attendance record and daily gold stars from kindergarten onward, cheerfully filling out application forms, becoming vice-president of various student clubs, and devoting every effort to writing admissions essays — that is to say, by being the kind of obedient twerp universally despised by normal human beings.

You trod that twerpish path until you get a law degree and pass a bar exam and then — presto! — your fellow lawyers grant you the awesome power that you will then exercise to inflict punishment on the rest of mankind until that day (which won’t come soon enough for me) when you die.

That hour of my life I just wasted on the phone jumping through those bureaucratic hoops? There is a God in heaven, who sees and knows your lawyerly evil, and he shall recompense in full measure. One day that trumpet will sound, and at the Last Judgment, the wicked shall be cast into the lake of fire, a white-hot fire fueled by the eternal incineration of thousands upon ten thousands of . . .

Damned lawyers.


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