Archive for ‘Bristol Palin’

May 7, 2009

Levi Johnston: ‘Mindless bag of hormones’

So says Laura at Pursuing Holiness, discussing the latest interview from the Bristol Palin baby daddy:

“Abstinence is a great idea,” he said, “but I also think you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don’t just think telling young kids, you can’t have sex, it’s not going to work. It’s not realistic. ” … It’s a great idea and a great message she’s trying to send out to the world and all the young kids. It’s not easy raising a baby. But I do think there’s more things to it than just not having sex.”

Yeah, Levi, but if you had stuck to the “just not having sex” part, you wouldn’t be famous now, would you? You’d still be just some small-town jock chasing tail in Wasilla, and CBS News would never want to interview a nobody loser like that.

I remember back when the news broke of Bristol’s pregnancy. My first post about it was critical of Bristol, even more critical of Levi Johnston, and yet more critical of the way the story was handled by the “media strategy geniuses” who were busy doing what they do best, running the Republican Party off a cliff. There is a right way and a wrong way to handle a scandal in the New Media age, and Republicans haven’t figured it out yet, because they’re too busy paying gazillions of dollars to “media strategy geniuses” who never worked a day in the news business. But we digress . . .

Many of my conservative readers excoriated me for daring to criticize the Romeo and Juliet of Anchorage. But (a) that’s just the way I roll, people, and (b) I know enough about 17-year-old boys to recognize Levi Johnston for what he is.

Yeah, big-deal hockey star, doin’ the governor’s daughter, braggin’ to all his buddies about it. There was a reason, you see, that when the media flew up to Wasilla, every other person they talked to was telling them about Levi and Bristol. Because that’s the kind of guy Levi Johnston is.

Dimwit losers like that are a dime a dozen.

But a conservative isn’t supposed to say such things! Blame everything on the evil “media”! As I noted even before we knew Levi’s last name:

Little Miss Attila refers to the press as “jackals” and “bottom-feeders.” Hey, it’s their job, OK? By this time tomorrow, you’ll have Levi’s full name and biography, you’ll know how he met Bristol, etc., etc. You’ll read it. You may feel guilty about reading it, but you’ll read every word of it.
Will you be grateful to the reporters who dug up those facts? No. Some poor shmuck of a reporter is even now knocking on doors in Alaska, getting rude responses and threatening gestures, in order to satisfy your pathological curiosity, and you diss him as a “jackal.” Fine. Don’t read the story when Drudge puts a siren on it tomorrow.
But you will read it, won’t you? So, who’s really the bottom-feeding jackal here?

Facts are facts. Any journalist who is halfway intelligent and stays in the game a while will learn secrets he can never report, because you don’t burn a source. You are always skeptical of “the story too good to be true,” and so when I saw the Republican spinners portraying the fairy-tale romance of Levi and Bristol . . . well, I shut up.

Nobody wanted to hear my appraisal of the situation. I focused on other stories and just let the whole Levi and Bristol business go on to its sorry, and utterly predictable, denouement. None of the nice, respectable Republicans who were telling me not to criticize Levi back in September will ever say now, “Hey, you know something? He was right.” And what did I tell you Feb. 5, 2008?

[John] McCain is not a conservative, he will lose in November . . .

I was right about that, too. A guy gets tired of being right all the time, and watching fools prosper.

March 12, 2009


A brilliant point, expressed concisely:

[C]onsider the Bristol Palin story, that she and Levi whatsisface have called off their engagement. That breaks on the same day that it’s reported that John Edwards has reared his silky little head to lecture the nation on poverty at Brown University. One of these babies has a father and was born to a teen out of wedlock. The other one doesn’t, and was born to a crazy lady hired to film the candidate (rather than boink him) as he jetted from campaign event to campaign event while his wife’s cancer was in remission. I don’t want to belabor the point, but one of these pairs of biological parents screwed the pooch more bigtime than the other.

Dan is an educator, and when he aims to teach a lesson, he whomps the mule in the head. I unjustly trashed Bristol Palin yesterday, and heard many arguments to the contrary, but Brother Dan knows how to whomp a mule in a loving, Christian manner.

Therefore I acknowledge my injustice to Bristol, and hope only good things for her henceforth, that she may walk in the ways of righteousness in the blessings of the Lord. And to the brilliant Dan Collins, a tip of the hat for his educational excellence. One a mule gets smart, he only needs to see the stick.

UPDATE: Conservatives4Palin:

His writing is so good that I would probably still read and link him even if I loathed him.

Yeah, my sister-in-law Ericka says the same thing. After 23 years in the news business, and 20 years of marriage to Ericka’s much-sexier older sister, there are two things I’m very good at. One of them is saying, “Yes, dear.” Because there’s a drawer full of knives in the kitchen, and I’ve got to sleep sometime.

Fellows, if you want to succeed in life, the trick is to marry a mean sexy woman.

UPDATE II: Speaking of my sexy wife, here’s a photo of her when she was 27, and already a mom:

If you’ll click that picture, you’ll see a picture of Mrs. Other McCain when she was a smokin’-hot 25, in the hot lingerie I bought her for Christmas.
As a home-schooling dad, I’m an educator, too. For the benefit of you newbies, that’s a variation of blogospheric method called a “Rick Roll.” Pay attention, this will be on the final.
March 11, 2009

Bristol Palin calls Baby Daddy Levi ‘white trash’

Well, this little bit of tabloid gossip is helpful, isn’t it? A source says Bristol broke up with the teenage sperm donor Levi “Sex on Skates” Johnston two months ago, won’t even let him see the fruit of his loins, and has denounced the entire Johnston family as “white trash.”

I love Sarah Palin, but Bristol’s judgment is questionable. Really, Bristol: What do you expect people to call a girl who gets herself knocked up by white trash? This does not reflect favorably on you.

UPDATE: Noting the negativity of some of the comments, but didn’t realized I’d been linked on this by Videmus Omnia at Conservatives4Palin:

As a final note, I am very disappointed in our friend R. S. McCain. Do all McCains like to stick the knife into Palins when their backs are turned?

Sorry, I’m not wired that way. I support Sarah Palin. But if Bristol Palin is conducting herself in such a hideous manner, I’m not going to turn a blind eye and pretend it’s not happening. I’ve got three teenagers of my own, remember, and if they act disgracefully, my judgment would be quite harsh indeed.

Read what I wrote about the role of lax discipline in the apparent decline of evangelical churches. I am not a violent or brutal person, but neither do I believe that indulgent condescension is an appropriate way to instill character in the young. In sharing some unsavory details of my own tragic adolescence, I should hope I made it clear that I understand the potentially disastrous consequences of wrong choices and bad companionship.

It is not kindness to a wayward child to shelter and protect them when they are doing the wrong thing. While the full circumstances of the situation are of course not known to us, doesn’t it seem that Bristol is going out of her way to bring shame and disgrace to her parents? And what about Levi Johnston, the hockey stud? Am I the only one who thinks that his role in all this has been of a selfish, shallow cad?

I would call to your attention the difference between Michael Reagan, older son that Ronald Reagan adopted with his first wife, Jane Wyman, and Ron Jr., the natural son of Reagan’s second marriage to Nancy. If you talk to people who knew the family, the cause of the difference between the two sons is obvious.

As a boy, Michael felt somewhat “second best,” and had a deep hunger to win his father’s admiration and acceptance. Michael went through some wild years, but in his maturity, he was a respectful, dutiful son. By contrast — and Reagan admitted this privately to friends — Ron Jr. was treated with too much favoritism as a child, and thus grew up arrogant and disrespectful.

A child’s misconduct always reflects poorly on the family. I’m sure that Bristol is breaking her parents’ hearts by her shoddy behavior. But I’m thinking back to some TV interview Bristol did, and if she demonstrated an attitude of humility and remorse, it didn’t stick in my mind.

Why would anyone think it was helpful — to her, to her parents, to the GOP or to the conservative cause — for conservatives to pretend that everything with Bristol is just hunky-dory? If my kid was acting like that, would a true friend ignore it?

And since Videmus Omnia brings up the subject of Crazy Cousin John, how do you think his daughter Meghan got such an impudent attitude? Way back years ago, when I was a single fellow, there was a type of girl I labeled “Daddy’s Little Darling.”

Maybe some of y’all know the type — snooty, stuck-up, cliqueish, insufferable demanding, with a high-handed and disdainful way of dealing with people beneath her status, having a self-important attitude.

Once, after I’d been covering sports in Calhoun, Ga., a few years, I was at the season-opening high school football game. Before the game, I was talking to a group of non-football athletes — baseball, basketball, wrestling — who were hanging out by the end zone. This girl comes walking up, apparently attracted magnetically to a cluster of high-status students.

So she managed to find an opportunity to introduce herself, “I’m Heather So-and-So.” Yes, OK, fine nice to meet you, but there wasn’t any recognition on my part, because the only kids I knew were the ones who played sports. Seeing that I wasn’t impressed, the girl then repeated her name, “Heather So-and-So. My dad is Jim So-and-So, he owns So-and-So Carpet Outlet.”

If that wasn’t the tackiest thing I’d ever heard! But that’s the “Daddy’s Little Darling” attitude, and it’s always a source of misery. Whether that has anything to do with the original subject from which I have sadly digressed, you be the judge.

February 17, 2009

And then her mom cut off her allowance . . .

(BUMPED; UPDATED) Bristol Palin:

“I think abstinence is, like — like, the — I don’t know how to put it — like, the main — everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all.”

Like, totally duh. Couldn’t keep her britches on, and any expectation that she would keep her britches on was “not realistic.” Any expectation that we won’t eventually see tabloid photos of Levi Johnston slamming jello shots with strippers in an Anchorage bar — also “not realistic at all.”

UPDATE: Some of the commenters are scolding me for being . . . too judgmental. Look, I have three teenagers myself, a 19-year-old daughter and twin 16-year-old sons. Being judgmental is a full-time occupation, OK? I just put one of my 16-year-old boys onto a plane to visit relatives in Ohio, where he’s also got a blonde girlfriend. When I called his cell phone before he boarded the plane, what was the last thing I told him? “Keep it in your britches, son.”

Understand that sexy is a hereditary condition, so it’s not like the boy won’t encounter temptation. But something else is hereditary, too: Extreme fecundity.

My wife is one of seven children in her family, and we’ve got six kids, so there’s really no such thing as “safe sex” with this crew. I’ve had to have this little talk with my daughter and her boyfriend, much to their embarrassment. It’s about 100% certain they’re not having sex, because if they were, there’s a 99% chance I’d be a grandpa by now.

As to the efficacy of “abstinence education” as practiced in public schools, I am not in a position to judge. But how hard is it to tell a teenager, “Keep your britches on“? And how hard is that to do? It’s an instruction so simple that even a teenager can remember.

So excuse my judgmentalism if I think that maybe at some point Bristol and Levi should have noticed they weren’t wearing any pants, and that they should have recognized this as a signal their gametes might soon combine to form a zygote. There’s 6 billion people on this planet, which suggests the efficiency with which gametes combine when two young lovers forget to keep their britches on.

BRISTOL: “Levi., you’re not wearing pants.”
LEVI: “You noticed, huh?”
BRISTOL: “Well, yeah. I did. Like, totally.”
LEVI: “Yeah. And guess what?”
BRISTOL: “What?”
LEVI: “You’re not wearing pants, either!”
BRISTOL: “Oh. My. God.”
LEVI: “Heh. Heh. Heh.”
BRISTOL: “I can’t believe I’m not wearing pants!”
LEVI: “Incredible.”
BRISTOL: “I’m not wearing pants. You’re not wearing pants. How did this happen?”
LEVI: “Uh . . . stuff happens.”
BRISTOL: “Yeah, I guess so. What do we do now?”
LEVI: “Hmmmm. I’ve got an idea . . .”

And so it goes. Two teenagers, mysteriously pantsless, and then — suddenly — pregnant. A sequence of events so baffling, so bizarre that it could only happen in . . . THE TWILIGHT ZONE!

UPDATE II: Gabriel Malor at AOSHQ salutes Bristol as “one brave woman,” and is echoed by Ed Morrissey hailing her “courage.” Yes, the admirable courage of misplacing your pants and then going on national TV to tell the world that it’s “more accepted” to misplace your pants and “not realistic” to keep your pants on. Also, Ed has video of Bristol talking tabloids:

Having taken plenty of abuse for being ardently pro-Palin, no amount of politics can compel me to call a spade an “entrenching implement.” And as someone who has complained loudly and often about double standards in the media, I refuse to suspend my judgmentalism because this particular unwed mother is named “Bristol Palin” and not “LaShonda Watts” or “Maria Gonzales.”

UPDATE III: Now frequent commenter Thirteen28 brings up the common problem with teenage boys: Testosterone-induced dementia, also known as Constant Tumescence Syndrome (CTS). Having suffered a severe case of this dread disorder — the condition persisted well into my 20s, a rare phenomenon chronicled as a case study in various medical journals — I am sympathetic.

However, as a father, sympathy must be put aside so that CTS does not lead to two related adolescent maladies, Hymen Disappearance Disorder and the pandemic knockedupicus virus.

As a conservative, I believe that human beings (a species that includes even that beastly subspecies, homo pimplicus adolesens) respond to incentives. Therefore the teenage Lothario, when calculating the cost-benefit analysis of nailing my daughter, must consider the negative incentive of being perforated by 12-gauge double-aught buckshot. (Five in the magazine, one in the chamber.)

Had I been married to the governor of Alaska . . . Wait. Let’s pause to contemplate that hypothetical. . . . As I was saying, had I been married to the governor of Alaska, the “scandal” would have played out in headlines like this:


. . . and this:


. . . and, perhaps, ending with this:

Prosecutors Denounce ‘Jury Nullification’;
Defendant: ‘That Hoodlum Needed Killing’

Forget about “abstinence education.” If you want to reduce teen pregnancy, you’ll get more results from marksmanship training for fathers.

UPDATE IV: Donald Douglas approves of the extreme judgmentalism.


January 3, 2009

‘This isn’t ideal’

I had previously overlooked the Palin family’s press release on baby Tripp’s birth:

Governor Sarah Palin has welcomed her first grandchild, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, born to Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston on December 27.
“We are over the moon with the arrival of this healthy, beautiful baby,” Governor Palin said. “The road ahead for this young couple will not be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Bristol and Levi are committed to accomplish what millions of other young parents have accomplished, to provide a loving and secure environment for their child. They are both hard workers, they’re very strong, and have faith they’ve made the right decision in setting aside their own interests to make this child their highest priority.”
Palin added, “When Bristol and Levi first told us the shocking news that she was pregnant, to be honest, we all at first looked at the situation with some fear and a bit of despair. Isn’t it just like God to turn those circumstances into such an amazing, joyful blessing when you ask Him to help you through?”
Bristol Palin said she “obviously discourages” teen pregnancy and knows that plans she previously made for herself will now forever be changed. “Teenagers need to prevent pregnancy to begin with — this isn’t ideal. But I’m fortunate to have a supportive family which is dealing with this together. Tripp is so perfectly precious; we love him with all our hearts. I can’t imagine life without him now.”
Bristol begins her final semester of high school next week where she’ll get her last credit needed to graduate. She looks forward to continuing her record of good grades and high achievement. Levi is continuing his online high school work in addition to working as an electrical apprentice on the North Slope.
Bill McAllister, the governor’s office communications director, adds: “The governor’s office previously declined to comment to honor the family’s wishes that the event remain as private as possible. However, the high volume of press inquiries, along with some erroneous information that was published, prompted the governor to make a statement.”

I dislike the idea of Bristol Palin offering generic advice — “Teenagers need to prevent pregnancy to begin with” — rather than acknowledging any personal responsibility for her own situation. Is the problem that teenagers in general are getting pregnant, or that you got pregnant? In point of fact, teen pregnancy is at an all-time low. Is it too much to expect something like a mea culpa?

UPDATE: PaleoPat agrees with me, but in the process calls me a neocon. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Yeah, Pat, tell that one to David Brooks, Frank Fukuyama and Ken Adelman. Here’s the difference between me and neocons: Neocons believe we should invade foreign countries in order to spread the universal benefits of democracy. I believe we should invade foreign countries because it’s a good live-fire field exercise for the troops. What’s the point in having aircraft carriers if you don’t occasionally pound some Third World dictatorship to smithereens?

My biggest beef about Iraq is that, if we’re going to go around the world toppling evil regimes, we ought to start in Cuba. It’s 90 miles from Key West, and occupying Havana would be like a vacation. Military recruiters could use the prospect of Cuban occupation duty as an inducement: Jineteras, mojitos and cigars under the swaying palms. Put some Xavier Cugat music on the soundtrack of the recruiting commercials. “Join the Navy and screw the world.”

November 1, 2008

Palin barnstorms Ohio

After doing three rallies in Florida and one in North Carolina on Saturday, here is Sarah Palin’s Sunday schedule:

Google Map directions for any hard-core Sarah fans who want to try to cover the whole trip — 334 miles by car. Good luck.

BTW, those times are for door-openings, and I’d advise anyone planning to attend a Palin rally to get there at least a couple hours before those times. The lady really draws a crowd:

September 2, 2008

Media Palinfest

Lots to choose from in media reactions to Sarah Palin (in a bikini) and her knocked-up daughter Bristol:

  • Politico: “So far — and it is hard to tell what the future may hold for Palin’s unexpected national candidacy — the travails of the Palin family probably seem awfully familiar to many average Americans. It is this averageness that makes her such a politically promising running mate for John McCain — and such a dangerous opponent for Democrats.”
  • Howard Kurtz: “Campaign officials, expressing outrage at the questions, nonetheless concluded that Bristol’s condition could no longer be kept secret after some British tabloids jumped on the allegations, such as London’s Daily Mail reporting that Palin was “facing a dirty tricks campaign suggesting she was really the grandmother of her youngest son.” (Dude, I’m sorry, but if any candidate for national office thinks they’re going to keep a pregnant 17-year-old daughter secret, they’re insane.)
  • The New Republic: Don’t take Palin lightly.
  • NBC: Palin overshadowing Maverick?
  • Ace of Spades: Deeply touched by the outpouring of media concern for Sarah Palin’s family.
  • Liz Trotta: Back to the kitchen, June Cleaver!

Hmmmm. Get me some coffee, hon.

September 2, 2008

Levi Johnston: ‘Sex on skates’

New York Magazine:

We’ll have a roundup of pundit reactions later, and we’re sure that you have your own points of view. . . .
We have a different question: HOW HOT IS THE BABY DADDY? . . . . Look at that face. John McCain is definitely winning the cougar vote now, on top of the Jamie-Lynn Spears vote.
Johnston is basically the quintessential example of that guy who you are constantly worried is going to impregnate your daughter (and occasionally does). He’s a handsome stud, an athletic star, and he has a criminal record.

OK, I’ve been getting a lot of grief for slogging Levi “f—in’ redneck” Johnston on an earlier post, mainly because I figured by knocking up Bristol Palin, he was helping Obama. But traffic is through the roof with people Googling for “boyfriend Levi Johnston” and so I’m sensing that this might go the other way.

Between “Sarah Palin bikini pics” and this young studpuppy shagging 17-year-old Bristol, the choice of the VPILF has added a sexy factor to the GOP ticket. America loves a good soap opera, especially the R-rated kind on HBO where the studly teenage hockey player is getting jiggy with the governor’s jailbait daughter.

Brangelina, Britney and K-Fed, Levi and Bristol — look, if the American people want “The OC” at the Naval Observatory, who am I to argue? So I’m beating Ace to the punch and jumping to the front of the line for Google hits for “Levi Johnston hung like a moose.” Also, if anyone has photos of Levi Johnston in his underwear, send ’em on.

I’m a capitalist blogger, and traffic is traffic.

UPDATE: Getting lots of e-mails from people weighing in on the issue, mostly seeing the human-interest side of the story. Conservatives definitely seem to be rallying in support of Bristol Palin, and so Team Maverick may come out ahead on this after all.

Despite my ribald reaction to all this, I am a father of six (including three teenagers) and I do believe that babies are a blessing, not a “punishment.” And long before I’d ever heard of Bristol Palin, I said “thank God for Jamie Lynn Spears” and blogged about my favorite famous teenage mothers. So those of you supporting Bristol, I’m on your side.

However, I’m also a journalist writing about politics and as such, I have to wonder how this is playing with the undecided swing voters out there. (Obama just hit 50% for the first time in Gallup’s daily tracking poll.) Does the sudden eruption of distracting chatter about Palin’s family make Team Maverick look incompetent? Was she properly vetted? What does this decision say about Crazy Cousin John’s executive judgment?

Politics ain’t beanbag. The Democrats and the MSM smell blood in the water, and I have no idea what the result will be Nov. 4. Maybe, just maybe, the story of how “Bristol Gone Wild” got knocked up by Levi “f—in’ redneck” Johnston will strike a sympathetic chord in the American psyche, finally bringing out a pro-life majority.

Stranger things have happened, I suppose, and God moves in mysterious ways. But at this point, objectively, I’d say a Republican victory in November would be a miracle. Conservatives need to spend more time praying, and less time hassling capitalist bloggers who are guilty of nothing more sinister than shameless traffic-baiting.

UPDATE II: Just checked with Dr. Melissa Clouthier, who confirms that Levi had totally got the I-want-to-have-his-babies factor working in his favor: “He’s hot,” says Dr. Melissa.

UPDATE III: As much as studly young Levi brings out Dr. Melissa’s inner cougar, Little Miss Attila says she’s more eager to see shirtless photos of Todd Palin. Yeah — chicks dig the rugged, macho, 40-something dudes. I get that all the time.