Archive for ‘fireworks’

July 24, 2009

Hotter Than a Firecrackeron the Fourth of July!

In all the IG-Gate madness, I forgot to post video of the fireworks show we did at the Third Annual Camp FUBAR Fourth of July celebration:

The highlights are at 3:07 and 5:01. Thanks to everybody who helped us with our massive deficit-spending stimulus project. And here’s a special thank you:

Art hat-tip: Becky Brindle, who needs to update her blog more often.

June 30, 2009

‘I Owe You Six Beers’

So said a rather important conservative communications operative, in the subject line of an e-mail praising my response to Ken “Wonkette” Lane. The operative called it a “smackdown,” while I prefer to think of it as a sociological treatise, but . . . well, that’s just semantics, right?

Entrepeneurship is about opportunity. This unsolicited praise presented an opportunity which I was keen to exploit in my e-mail reply:

Your praise is most welcome. It was a pleasure and duty to call him what he is.
Please examine the sidebar of the blog until you find a link to that which we bloggers call a “tip jar.” Pretend that you and I are in a bar — a swanky sort of place, with linen tablecloths, silverware, fine stemware, etc. — and that you are buying me those six beers. The waitress is a smokin’ hot 21-year-old Georgetown coed who, as it turns out, is an aspiring journalist who raves that she has been reading your blog for years and is, in fact, your No. 1 fan. It happens that she is actually a friend of several of your friends, business associates and clients.
Think about this, and the impression you wish to leave, as this waitress — did I mention that she’s one of those Irish-Catholic redheads with the big gazongas? — presents the check for those six beers you bought me. Also, I had the $12 quesadilla appetizer. So when you click that link to the tip jar, just think about what that redhead might say to your friends if you tip like a cheapskate bastard.
And incidentally, isn’t it amazing that nobody’s ever tried to hire me as a humor columnist?

Just got off the phone with the guy who’s hosting the Third Annual Camp FUBAR Fourth of July Fireworks & BBQ Blowout on the shores of Alabama’s beautiful Lake Weiss. (Google map showing approximate location of Camp FUBAR.)

Given the economic realities, scraping up contributions to fund this exercise in pyrotechnical mayhem has been extraordinarily difficult this year. Because fireworks can be purchased in advance at a discount that’s not available in the weeks immediately before the Fourth of July — when amateur chumps pay full retail, as chumps always do — I was required to spend money I didn’t have in order to acquire the basic supplies.

The anticipation of (partial) remuneration in the future was an element of this fiscal calculation, but the inescapable logic was: You can’t shoot a fireworks show without fireworks, and you can get a lot more bang for your bucks if you buy early. To a fireworks man, a dollar in May is worth $5 on the Fourth of July.

Much of this was explained to my friend, who’s hosting the Third Annual Camp FUBAR Fourth of July Fireworks & BBQ Blowout on the shores of Alabama’s beautiful Lake Weiss. (Free camping space is available, and good hotel accommodations are a short drive away.) My friend was explaining that some guy gave him $20 and another guy has promised . . .

“Darryl, you’re Guido from the Mob. Shake ’em down. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Every day closer we get to the Fourth of July, the more those worthless sons of bitches are spending that money on beer or sunblock or whatever else they spend their money on besides paying for the show they can watch for free. Tell ’em anything you have to tell ’em. Put the squeeze on those bastards. Just get the money now . . .”

Well, much further discussion followed. People have no idea how shameful it is for me to have to shake the tip jar like this, knowing full well that there are “media strategists” — who don’t know as much or work as hard — getting paid incredible salaries to do badly jobs that I could do better for less. Trust me, my average daily earnings as a freelance journalist/blogger don’t equal what the communications director of the Republican National Committee spends to get her nails done.

I resent the hell out of this reality, but all I know to do is to work even harder today than I worked yesterday, while trying figure out how I can work even harder tomorrow. The Fourth of July, however, involves the kind of work that I love to do most — to fill the sky with pyrotechnical beauty — and so I’m shaking the tip jar today like Guido from the Mob.

Yesterday, God sent a blessed lady to hit my tip jar, but the realities of PayPal are such that it takes two or three days to process a transaction. The money you put in the tip jar today (Tuesday) won’t reach my bank account until Friday, and showtime is sundown Saturday.

Hundreds of cheapskate bastards will get a free show, simply because they happen to be at the lake Saturday, just like hundreds of cheapskate bastards are reading the work of An Acknowledged Master of English Prose Composition, merely because they happened to click a link off some other blog where they don’t hit the tip jar.

Maybe you’re a conservative, wondering why the Left is kicking our ass online. Look in the mirror. What the hell have you done? But don’t blame yourself. Blame me.

It is my all fault. Who knows why or how, but by some act of commission or omission, I have either done the wrong thing or failed to do everything I possibly could. I’m 49 years old, and Billy Mays died the other day at 50, so I may not live to light that first fuse Saturday night. However, if I do, then I may live to return to Washington next week and hassle some more IG-Gate news out of my sources on Capitol Hill.

In the meantime, Sporto, you’re sitting there with money in your account, and that redheaded waitress with the big gazongas just put the check on the table.

Hit the freaking tip jar now, and hit it like you mean it. Don’t make me send Guido after you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to present . . . THE TEMPTATIONS!

(Among other mysteries of the universe: Why hasn’t anyone offered me a contract to write How To Blog Like a Mofo — And Bleg Like a Pro? Also: How come you, my blogger paisano, can appreciate the value of this genius demonstration and yet have not hit the tip jar? Guido knows where you live. Also, Guido’s in a bad mood because his adorable 9-year-old daughter is dying from a dreadful disease, or at least that’s what it says on the contribution jars he’s leaving in convenience stores throughout Paulding County, Georgia. Where he got the picture of that cute little moppet in pigtails, I don’t know. His actual daughter is 20 and perfectly healthy.)

UPDATE 3:15 p.m.: You wanted a show? You paid for a show? Buddy, you just hired the Hardest Working Man in Blog Business:

“If Andrew Sullivan is not stupid . . .”

(It’s a hypothetical.)

June 12, 2009

Massive New Deficit Spending!

They warned you if you voted for McCain, there would be huge new deficits, expanded arms programs, and an increase in our trade imbalance with China — and they were right!

Yes, my fellow Americans, The Other McCain administration embarked upon a deficit-spending program to purchase fireworks for the Fourth of July. The retail value of this mighty arsenal (acquired from Granny’s Fireworks in Watauga, Tenn.) is $800, although the actual purchase price is strictly classified. Why? Because if my wife finds out how much I’ve spent, she’ll inflict tortures that will make waterboarding at Gitmo look mild by comparison.

Due to the recession — we blame Bush! — reader contributions to the Emergency Fireworks Fund have failed to meet FY09 projections of our administration’s “fireworks czar” (a graduate of the prestigious Timothy Geither School of Mathematics). Therefore, we are now suffering a pyrotechnical deficit of crisis proportions.

Nevertheless, we have Hope that you will give generously because, like Joe Biden says, it’s patriotic.

(GRAPHIC: No Sheeples Here.) BTW, everyone is invited to the Third Annual Camp FUBAR Fourth of July Fireworks & BBQ Blowout on the shores of Alabama’s beautiful Lake Weiss. A Facebook page for this legendary event will be posted soon.

You may be asking yourself, “Why should I drive to Cherokee County, Alabama, to eat barbecue and watch a bunch of crazy rednecks shoot off fireworks?” Well, this ain’t just any ol’ barbecue. One of the South’s leading BBQ chefs, Sasquatch, has agreed to provide the ‘cue. Sasquatch’s Carolina-style smoked pork shoulder is so good, it ought to be against the law. And ask anyone who’s seen a McCain Family fireworks show: It’s better than Disneyworld! Here’s video of our historic 2005 finale:

So please give generously to the Emergency Fireworks Fundit’s for the children!

April 21, 2009

4th of July Tea Party? Make plans now!

Given the rousing success of the April 15 Tax Day Tea Party, activists are already starting to make plans for another wave of Tea Parties on July 4.

Stephen Gordon and I have discussed the possibility of coordinating an Alabama event with my traditional Fourth of July fireworks spectacular at Camp FUBAR on Lake Weiss. Here’s video of last year’s show:

If y’all want to have a big shindig out by the lake, the more the merrier, but start hitting the tip jar now, so I can afford to buy a big supply of fireworks wholesale soon. Ask anyone who was there last year, it’s an incredible show. And if we get enough contributions, I might be able to make it as big as my legendary 2005 finale:

January 1, 2009

Happy New Year! (Sydney)

Ringing in 2009 with a $12 million fireworks show:

Better than sex?

December 31, 2008

Sex or fireworks?

Italian women threaten a “sex strike” if their menfolk don’t cancel their fireworks. Le mie scuse, donna, but I can’t do without my fireworks.

AFTERTHOUGHT: However, if you guys do go ahead and shoot fireworks, be careful. You’ll be all right, so long as you don’t blow off both hands . . . .

UPDATE: A professional show from Switzerland — 14 minutes, and wait until you see the pyrogasmic finale:

Genf Teil 3 from 3PYRO8 on Vimeo.

August 9, 2008

Video: Beijing Olympics opening fireworks

Almost as good as my 4th of July show . . .