International Rule 5 BikiniFest–Finale

by Smitty

We’re going to go ahead and declare the Cosmic Winner for the International Rule 5 BikiniFest: Jeffords, who correctly identified Phoebe Cates (scroll down–I’m no’ so daft as to think ‘Cates’ is spelled ‘Page’). The last clue was going to be that she’d been featured on this blog at some point, but Jeffords cut to the chase.

The chief goal of the thing, kicking back just a little bit in the face of an ugly, stressful year, was substantially met.
Minor goals of getting to know some folks better and tidying over some recent challenges were only partially met. Welcome to life.
After this, links will be saved for the usual Rule 5 Sunday tomfoolery. To the task:

• Fishersville Mike recommends (G) Jennifer Nettles.
• Health Care Reform is a byotch, which Reboot Congress mistook for a beach. He was so kind as to include (G) Dana Loesch and (G) Michelle, which gets him over the high bar we set (careful, you’ll catch your foot on it and trip).
• Cosmic Winner Jeffords reaches into the cornucopia an emerges with (PG) Anna Kournikova. Come on: I can’t be the only one with that word in mind when I see her name.
• The WyBlog goes for (PG-13) Heidi Klum

Today’s winner is Fishersville Mike. After 4 days of sunny beach blogging, we finally got a lady on a surfboard. Woo hoo!

Update:
More.com has exactly that.

Update II:
Previous winner Teach at the Pirate’s Cove hoists a (G) patriotic post, concurrent with the presidential beer. Thanks, mate!

Update III:
Couple of the usual suspects rolling in.
Bob Belvedere adds (G) Linda Harrison to the mix. Played Wonder Woman in a failed TV pilot, according to Wikipedia.
On a related (unrelated to Smitty) note, Rightofcourse puts in a (PG) Anna Nicole Smith.

International Rule 5 Bikini Festival–Round 3

by Smitty

You know how it is when you’re throwing a party, and there is a friend in attendance making a smell? You know who you are. Quit being bad fish, knaves:

Bob Belvedere, the Campy one of Saintville, contributes (PG-13) Shirley Eaton of Goldfinger fame. A classy lady (from Wikipedia):

• “The most important thing for me was being a woman and having a family more than being a very famous glamorous actress.”

  The same holds true for men, though my career as an actress consisted of getting booed offstage.

• Rightofcourse recommends a (PG-13) Melissa Marie Gonzales.
• Over at the Troglopundit’s, misterpterodactyl seems to have been briefed about my taste for ancient Popeye cartoons. This one features (G) Olive Oil thinking aloud about her Presidential platform. A proto-Palin?
• Three Beers Later has a (PG-13?) YouTube clip of a WWF extreme bikini contest. I only watched the first minute of so. I got a post to write.
• For today, Jeffords contributes (PG) Elisabetta Canalis.
• The WyBlog recommends the talented and wonderful (G) Sarah McLachlan.
• Dave C at Point of a Gun introduces the intense (G) Vanessa Mae, who threatens to inject some culture into this sorry blog-load of knuckle-draggers.
• Fulminate of Andrew offers a (PG) selection of models from Korea, China, and Malaysia.
• Teach at the (PG-13) Pirate’s Cove stays with the patriotic theme. That female member of Congress was kind of an edgy call, though. Consider yourself warned, mister. 😉
• The Physics Geek, in a different orbit than the Far East crowd, offers a (PG-13) Scottish/Spanish/Australian roundup.

Today’s winner is Point of a Gun. That is the most talented, lovely young lady since Elizabeth Roe.

The Cosmic Winner (whom no one has guessed yet, obviously) Hint Summary:

1. She made a movie this decade.
2. She was born during the Kennedy administration.
3. Her name is that of a heavenly body. Of the solar system variety.

While I was tempted to fade out with Libertango by Anderson and Roe, we are nothing if not slaves to tradition, so get your Ventures on, and keep the links coming to Smitty:

International Rule 5 BikiniFest–Round 2

by Smitty

The International Bikini Festival is taking the blogosphere by storm. If you came here looking for a brief respite from such, well, we’ve some japing about to do. Little Miss Attila has dispatched a crew of Latino Firefighters to help with the judging. What’s this? Not firefighters? A pyromaniac Talking Heads cover band?

• Fulminate of Andrew submits a brace of (PG) ladies of the Far East
• Rightofcourse plays a classic (G) Norma Jeane.
• Jeffords posts a (PG) Kate Beckinsale
• The Physics Geek has completed his (PG) spectral analysis, and all three of the results fell within the visible range.
• Fishersville Mike offers a theme song parody to the tune of “Midnight Hour”. Noted and approved:

• The Daley Gator is on board with a full (PG) roundup.
• The semi-retired, yet still dedicated to reporting the news Donald Douglas has a report on party schools, with a link to some bikini pics at the bottom.
• The WyBlog contributes (G) Patricia Heaton, of Everybody Loves Raymond fame.
• The ‘modern day Jean Lafitte‘ William Teach hoists the (PG) Stars ‘n’ Stripes, with a healthy dose of the Jolly Roger.

Little Miss Attila’s henchmen declare that Teach is also today’s winner, contributing the only entry of someone wearing an eye patch. They depart for his web site in search of phone numbers or something.
We’ll end on a Blue Hawaiians cut. Wanted “Martini Five-0”, but no decent YouTube-age:

The next obscure clue for the Cosmic Winner is that she was born during the Kennedy administration.

Update:
Bob Belvedere increases our (G) Marylin Monroe presence. And that, as they say, is a Good Thing.

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*Not that it matters in the slightest, but the Porch Manqué’s inaugural bit of
state left on the cloudy-webs dates to Sep02

International Rule 5 BikiniFest–Round 1

by Smitty

The Powers that Beep have declared that this week is International Rule 5 BikiniFest Week. It’s Summer, and you should be taking sand breaks in between refreshes of this blog.

Kicked out of the hammock here at Porch Manqué HQ, then, it becomes our toil, our raisin’ debt, to conduct a critical, scientific, methodical review of the links proferred. Little Miss Attila, she whom ye offend at your peril, thoughtfully sent over a fellow on the subway nearly half as handsome as us to assist in the judging.

In the modern spirit of identity politics, we’re going to throw a dart at a piece of paper tacked up on the side of the house to assign a rating to each photo: G, PG, PG-13. This is a family-friendly blog: if you’re out for anything racier, you probably know where to go.

• Chance, at rightofcourse, takes us to the edge of accepability, with a PG-13 offering.
• The Eye of Polyphemus may be batting .500 in the ocular department, but he picks them well with a PG Kristin Chenoweth.
• The Camp of the Saints goes retro Posh with a PG Jane Mansfield.
• Chris Wysocki doubles his bet on rated G Stepahnie Seymour.
• Unintended participant Vodkapundit has, I think, a PG-13 Elle McPherson.
• Bill’s Idle Mind guards the acceptable edge of entries.

The sample space is small, Little Miss Attila’s assistant judge is too hung over, and the Porch Manqué is still shaking off King Lear.

Round one goes to Unintended Participant Gateway Pundit, for Aya Ali al-Mulla. Now, you punks: get out there and round up some serious, thoughtful, well-engineered bikinis for me.

There is a Cosmic Winner I have in mind, and we’ll be dropping some obscure hints, for example: she made a movie this decade.

Send your links to Smitty, and let’s get this party going.

Update:
Forgot the board-flippin’ video! Your indulgence is sought: